Quiet Influence: Speaking Up Without Becoming Someone Else
Summary
Many professionals assume that visibility, networking, and public speaking naturally favor extroverts. But according to speaker coach and author Stephanie Thoma, some of the qualities most associated with introversion—thoughtfulness, self-awareness, and intentionality—can become powerful leadership advantages.
In this episode of Conversations in the Future of Work, Rachel Cossar sits down with Stephanie to discuss authentic visibility, meaningful networking, calm authority, and why communication is less about performing and more about connecting. Together, they explore how professionals can build confidence, strengthen relationships, and communicate with greater impact without trying to become someone they’re not.
You work with leaders who are thoughtful but hesitant about visibility. Why do you believe introversion can actually be an advantage in leadership and communication?
Stephanie explains that thoughtful leaders often approach communication with a stronger focus on the audience rather than themselves. Instead of seeking visibility for the sake of attention, they tend to prioritize creating value, sharing meaningful insights, and helping others.
She also challenges the idea that people are purely introverts or extroverts, arguing that most individuals are better described as ambiverts whose energy and behavior depend heavily on context. Rather than viewing introversion as a limitation, she encourages leaders to recognize the strengths that come from self-awareness, reflection, and intentional communication.
Many professionals feel pressure to “perform” online or on stage. How can leaders show up with visibility and credibility without forcing an extroverted style?
Stephanie introduces the concept of Calm Authority—the ability to communicate with confidence and credibility without relying on high-energy performance or exaggerated charisma.
Rather than trying to emulate a stereotypical extroverted speaker, leaders can focus on clarity, presence, and authenticity. She points to communicators who are conversational, grounded, and engaging without being over-the-top, emphasizing that credibility often comes from being genuinely connected to what you stand for rather than trying to impress an audience.
You describe networking as building meaningful connections rather than transactional ones. What does authentic networking actually look like in practice?
For Stephanie, authentic networking begins with curiosity.
Instead of approaching conversations with an immediate agenda, she encourages people to focus on creating genuine human connection. Open-ended questions, shared experiences, and sincere interest in others create stronger relationships than transactional exchanges centered on job titles or immediate needs.
She also emphasizes the importance of entering networking environments with a mindset of contribution rather than extraction. People are often more receptive when they feel they are being engaged as individuals rather than as opportunities.
What’s one shift that helps someone speak with more clarity and confidence in important conversations or presentations?
One of the most powerful shifts Stephanie discusses is moving away from fixed identity labels and toward curiosity and growth.
She introduces the concept of Identity Lag—the tendency to continue seeing ourselves through an outdated version of who we used to be rather than who we have become. When professionals upgrade how they view themselves and recognize the value they already bring, they often communicate with greater confidence and clarity.
Confidence, she argues, is less about performing perfectly and more about trusting your perspective, showing up authentically, and focusing on connection rather than self-judgment.
Rachel Cossar
Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Conversations in the Future of Work. This has been a super exciting season. We’ve had such amazing guests, and we’re continuing in that vein today with another fresh face here at Virtual Sapiens. Stephanie Thoma, welcome.
Stephanie Thoma
Hi Rachel. I’m so excited for us to dive in. Lots of good stuff to talk about.
Rachel Cossar
Absolutely. Would you mind sharing a little bit about your background and what you’re up to these days?
Stephanie Thoma
I’m the author of Confident Introvert: A Practical Guide to Connecting with Others at Networking Events and Beyond, which was inspired by hosting a high volume of networking events in San Francisco.
These days, I live in New York City and work with speakers. I’ll also be teaching through TED and helping people develop their keynote talks. My work started with helping people improve their networking skills, evolved into professional public speaking, and now has come full circle into helping others become stronger speakers themselves.
Rachel Cossar
Very cool. One thing I love discussing is the ongoing debate around introverts and extroverts. Are we truly one or the other? Or does it depend on context?
Before we get into that, though, you often work with leaders who want greater visibility but want to approach it thoughtfully and authentically.
Why do you think that hesitation can actually be an advantage?
Stephanie Thoma
People who seek the spotlight simply for the sake of being seen can sometimes lose sight of the audience.
When someone is thoughtful about visibility—not from a place of self-consciousness, but from a desire to genuinely help people—that intention often translates into stronger communication.
The best speakers aren’t just entertaining. They’re inspiring, informative, and audience-centered. Often, people who are more naturally introspective bring that level of thoughtfulness to their communication. That self-awareness can become a real advantage when it comes to connecting with others.
Rachel Cossar
How do you define introversion?
Stephanie Thoma
At its core, introversion is about where you get your energy.
Introverts tend to recharge through solitude—activities like reading, writing, reflecting, or simply spending time alone. Extroverts, on the other hand, tend to recharge through social interaction.
That said, I believe most people are actually ambiverts. Context matters tremendously. The same person who feels drained in one environment may feel energized in another. A close friend, a favorite topic, or a high-stakes opportunity can change how someone shows up entirely.
Rachel Cossar
That’s how I tend to think about it too.
Sometimes people identify strongly as introverts, but then you watch them in the right environment and they’re suddenly the most outgoing person in the room. It makes me wonder whether these labels can sometimes become limitations people place on themselves.
Stephanie Thoma
Absolutely.
What you’re describing often comes down to the difference between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset.
Sometimes people adopt labels that allow them to opt out of situations that feel uncomfortable. They may tell themselves, “I’m just someone who’s behind the scenes,” when in reality they may simply have had negative experiences with visibility in the past.
Instead of judgment, I encourage curiosity.
Rather than asking, “Should I network?” or “Should I speak up?” the better question might be: “Could this be a skill I could develop?”
Many people discover that when they stop viewing communication as a personality trait and start viewing it as a skill, entirely new possibilities open up.
Rachel Cossar
I love that.
Curiosity about other people is one of the fastest ways to create meaningful connection. And confidence often starts with understanding your values, goals, and what actually matters to you.
Stephanie Thoma
Exactly.
And if someone feels isolated or disconnected, that’s often reason enough to work on these skills.
One thing I remind people is that they don’t have to define themselves solely through their job title. When someone asks what you do, you can talk about a hobby, a passion, or something you’re excited about.
Human connection comes first. The professional details can come later.
Rachel Cossar
That’s such an important distinction.
Many people default to questions like “What do you do?” almost immediately, but often the more meaningful conversations start elsewhere.
Speaking of visibility, many professionals feel pressure to perform—whether online, on stage, or in networking settings.
How can leaders build credibility and visibility without feeling like they have to adopt a stereotypically extroverted style?
Stephanie Thoma
I talk a lot about a concept called Calm Authority.
Calm Authority isn’t about being the loudest person in the room. It’s about being grounded in what you stand for and communicating with quiet confidence.
Think about speakers like Brené Brown or Barack Obama. They’re engaging and compelling, but not necessarily over-the-top. They communicate with clarity, presence, and confidence without forcing energy that isn’t authentic to them.
Many people assume credibility comes from leading with credentials, but often the most effective communicators lead with curiosity and connection first. The credibility naturally follows.
Rachel Cossar
You shared some great examples of open-ended questions people can use in networking environments.
What advice would you give to someone who isn’t naturally outgoing or doesn’t have a distinctive style that draws people in?
Stephanie Thoma
It starts before you even leave your house.
Set the intention that you’re open to connecting.
One of the biggest mistakes people make is showing up with a mindset of “I need something.” I need a client. I need a job. I need a connection.
That energy tends to push people away.
Instead, focus on curiosity and generosity.
Another practice I strongly recommend is meditation. It helps people develop the calm, grounded presence that allows others to feel comfortable around them. That sense of calm often becomes far more memorable than any specific conversation technique.
Rachel Cossar
You work with many founders and executives.
What advice would you give a founder attending a networking event specifically to meet investors? How do they balance having a goal with staying authentic and relaxed?
Stephanie Thoma
I generally don’t recommend walking into a room with a long list of targets.
If there are investors you genuinely want to meet, identify one or two priorities and focus your energy there.
Approach those conversations as human conversations first.
Rather than leading with your pitch, lead with curiosity. Talk about the event, the environment, or something you genuinely find interesting.
Often the strongest connections happen when people feel seen as humans before they feel pitched as investors.
And if the conversation goes well, focus on building a bridge to a future conversation rather than trying to accomplish everything in one interaction.
Rachel Cossar
One thing founders often struggle with is what you call identity lag.
Can you explain that concept?
Stephanie Thoma
Identity lag happens when someone continues showing up as a previous version of themselves, even though they’ve already grown beyond that version.
A founder may have built expertise, credibility, and accomplishments, but still mentally relate to themselves through an older identity that feels less confident or less worthy.
When that happens, it becomes harder to connect with others because you’re constantly questioning your own value.
Sometimes the work isn’t about changing how other people see you. It’s about upgrading how you see yourself. Once that happens, interactions often change naturally because you’re interpreting and responding to situations differently.
Rachel Cossar
We’ll definitely need a part two.
Before we wrap up, where can people learn more about your work?
Stephanie Thoma
If people want to explore concepts like Calm Authority and Identity Lag more deeply, I created a free resource called the Calm Authority Workbook, which is available on my website.
You can also find me on LinkedIn, subscribe to The Confident Introvert Voice, or join my newsletter through my website.
Rachel Cossar
Amazing.
Stephanie, thank you so much for joining us and for sharing so many practical and insightful ideas with our audience today.
And as always, thanks to everyone for listening. Let us know what you think, and we’ll see you next time.
Stephanie Thoma
Thank you for having me.